If there’s one thing I’ve learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women’s magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it’s this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please.
Don’t be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain’s inability to properly process brand-new, mind-blowingly radical concepts.
Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino’s reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him “in a state of shock.”
So all I ask is that you think of this article as the “Goodfellas” of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, “This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns”, when what you’re actually thinking is “while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex.”
Some of these tips are certainly outside the mainstream. If they weren’t, what would be the point of listing them — they would be written about on a hundred and one other websites! For instance, everyone knows about seeking out a date on an online dating website. But did you know there are dating sites that cater to very specific interests of people? For instance, if you’re a pet lover than you should sign up at a dog dating site like Doggy Double Date. No, you aren’t trying to get a date with a dog — you’re searching out other dog lovers so that right off the bat you and your date know you share something in common. This article in theweek.com backs up this theory.
How about online porn? Most women won’t find a man who loves porn a particularly attractive attribute. But there are many women involved in “softer” online sex such as hentai. The world of hentia is not dominated by men — many women spend hours immersed in the world of hentai.
Role-playing during sex is a great way to spice up a relationship that has fallen into a slump. Or so I’ve heard. Truthfully I’ve got to rely on the experience of others when it comes to things like role-playing, since all of my [many, many] relationships have been so hugely successful that I have absolutely no idea what it would even be like to be in a somewhat troubled relationship, let alone the sort of slump which would require a role-playing revival.
But I also have to admit that I’m hesitant to try. My fear is that the role-playing version of me would have his (already potent) sexual aura amplified to such an extreme degree that it would make him literally irresistible to every other human being he came into contact with, regardless of their age, gender, or sexual preference.
And while having every man, woman, and child in a room tear their clothes off and heave their sweat-soaked bodies at me in a frenzied sexrage each time I came through a door would probably be pretty amusing the first couple times it happened, I can’t imagine it’d stay fun for very long.
But getting back to the topic at hand: From what I’ve been able to gather from listening in on other people’s phone conversations, role-playing during sex is not all that difficult. You simply choose a scenario (The Housewife & The Pizza Delivery Boy, The Robber Baron & The Lithe Young Street Urchin, The Grizzled Loner Angrily Masturbating To A Best Buy Flier In The Airport Bathroom), let it play out for a bit, and then perform a sexual act with your partner. You can even include something like a gay sex doll into the picture if your really adventurous. Adding a non-human sex partner to the mix can be interesting, and avoids any of the negative or hurtful feelings of jealously that naturally occur when a real person, rather than a sex doll, becomes involved in sex between you and your partner. This nymag.com article elaborates.
Crazy though it may seem, there’s really no better way to get your man re-interested in you than by falsely claiming to have slept with someone else. To ensure this farce ends in the least murdery way possible, it’s probably best to try to choose someone fictional (as opposed to a close family friend), just in case your guy friend gets it in his head to track down and exact violent revenge upon the person (or persons) you claim to have engaged in unholy acts of pleasure with.
Since you’re making it all up anyway, you might as well go with someone exciting and dangerous, like a surly carwash attendant of indistinct ethnicity, a pair of elderly wheelchair-bound lesbians, an escaped slave who has ostensibly traveled through time, or that guy who did the voice of that dog Wishbone on the TV show Wishbone.
But in truth, your fictional partner needn’t be outrageous to be effective. Most men are fairly insecure, so if you manage to come up with a story which is even remotely plausible, it’s almost certain he’ll believe it. Read this article and this post for more sex tips.
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